In a follow up to my last post I don't think I would be so frustrated and aghast if I didn't have to do everything myself. Maybe I just like being in control or whatever it may be. But I feel like switching between casting and then set dressing and then making a shot list, etc. so quickly isn't helping me find myself at all. It's taking me further away psychologically. I feel like I have to make the money, find the people, find the places, make it look good and then move on to doing lighting/camera tests all within the same day. It's absurd. I don't think I know what I want anymore. I think I hit the point where this just needs to get done regardless of if I'm staying true to what I want. At this point, I feel so mentally battered that any department can do whatever they want and I don't care if it looks good or not. I don't even care if I have that department. I'm lost. Not in myself, like I thought I was a week ago. But I'm lost creatively and I need to find where I stopped moving forward and just sat there in the fetal position, before I can even begin to worry about staying true to myself and my vision. How can I stay true to a vision if I've lost myself 6 steps ago? Here's hoping I can find whatever's left of myself before it's too late.
T-2 weeks until shooting.
Wish me luck.
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